Evil Torturing Angel

2008-07-20T06:07:00.003-04:00

Blatantly stolen from the Diva herself, Angela St. Lawrence, of ZenFetish. I hope she'll forgive me, but it's just way too good not to share.

Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning,
Satan shudders & says …

Ah shit! She’s awake!

2008-02-14T15:03:00.004-05:00

I've lost a very dear friend this week. He was a good man... complex, intelligent, witty, and passionately interested in life. I had the privilege of spending a lot of time with him, most recently a couple weeks not long ago, and enjoyed it very much. We met by chance... we belonged to the same online group, and he took the risk of contacting me. That started a conversation that continued both online and off for many years. He could be infuriating, opinionated, and loud, but he was always caring and considerate, a loyal friend, a shoulder to lean on, and an inspiration to me. He was many things to me, but most importantly, he was always someone I could trust.

Farewell, dear one. I'll miss you. I hope you are reunited with your beloved, and that you're out there somewhere watching me be all those things you encouraged me to be.

2007-10-01T22:25:00.000-04:00

So I've gone a little nuts this past month... the adorably sweet submissive that I've been seeing regularly since late in the winter has gone on an extended vacation to the far reaches of the globe. I'm happy for him, but a bit put out as well, since he meshes well with my play style and schedule and I've gotten spoiled having him around. Plus he's just, well, adorable.

That's all well and good; the craziness comes in with the whole round of searching and trying out new submissives to torment while my boy is gone. My already high standards have become higher, and my selection pool has narrowed as a result. Not that I'm complaining, mind you... I've been fortunate to find several stellar boys to play with here and there, and even a couple I'm considering keeping. I remember now why I decided to just have one regular submissive though. The scheduling is insane!

2007-09-22T23:49:00.000-04:00

It always amazes me the sorts of things some men think are attractive to a dominant woman. There are submissive males that do really get it... that by courting a dominant much like they'd court a vanilla woman (albeit with the addition of kink) is an effective way to get some of their dreams and fantasies fulfilled. Then there are others... the ones that absolutely don't get the concept that a dominant is just a human that happens to enjoy activities that are outside the realm of "normal" interaction.

I got a stunning example of the latter as a comment on this blog. I considered deleting it, but it just amused me way too much. I don't even begin to take approaches like this one seriously. He's at least fairly articulate, which leads me to believe that reformation is possible.

I would love to be your male slave suffering through all the kinky pain & gore as your collared & leashed slave to be made to dress as a girl licking you allover & being paddled up the ass & shaved where ever you wish to be sexually humiliated & experimented on. Will I be made to stay naked & be kidnapped to do whatever your bidding is & to get raped, whipped & have kinky sex as a Male prostitute in bdsm sex & bondage?

My response? I appreciate your desire to be a slave; however, to actually fulfill your desires, I would suggest getting to know a dominant as a person, then exploring your desires together, finding ways in which you are compatible, and compromising on those things that don't quite mesh. If you focus on how you might please and serve, rather than on how your fetishes might be fulfilled, it's quite likely that you'll find someone who will enjoy the things that you do.

2007-09-16T23:34:00.000-04:00

I took the opportunity to play with a very sweet masochist the other day, and had a fabulous time doing so. Much fun was had, although he didn't scream once. I'll have to try harder next time.

I'm cursed with the ability to only find masochists that don't mark easily it seems. So frustrating. I'll either have to widen my net, or hit harder. Somehow, both prospects sound equally enticing.

2007-08-04T20:20:00.000-04:00

I originally posted this piece on conditioning here, but thought it’d do well on the blog too.

Note: If you decide to try conditioning, I urge you to think it through, as it may possibly have ramifications in other areas of the submissive’s life, especially if you train him to show a specific behavior associated with a certain word or phrase. Also, if it is a play partner, rather than a longer-term relationship, be aware that this sort of conditioning can very much deepen the bond that the submissive feels toward you. I am by no means the authority in this area. I am simply describing my experience. Take it at face value. Your experience and results may differ.

I employ various forms of conditioning with both my submissive and my slave, and very much enjoy it. It's something I started doing very early on in my explorations into BDSM, and have refined and continued as I've gone on. I'll probably offend someone with this analogy, but in order to explain what I do and how I do it, you need a peek into how my head works.

From a very young age, I did a lot of work with animals, especially horses and dogs. I found that the best way to effectively train new behaviors was to be calm, confident, quietly dominant, and patient. It requires a lot of repetition, and reward of small progress, as well as quick appropriate discouragement of undesirable behaviors. It also requires a very focused attention to small details such as body language, changes in breathing, pupil size, skin temperature, and vocalizations. When I began to get more into actually training submissive males, not simply playing with them, I found that I got the best results if I used the same techniques I'd used to train animals.

One technique I routinely employ to condition a submissive to enjoy something I like that he may originally find distasteful or uncomfortable is to do the activity that I want to encourage him to enjoy in conjunction with something I know that arouses him and causes the same reaction that I want to condition him to display.

For example, I had a submissive that would tolerate strapon play only because it was something I enjoy doing. Although "forced" anal play is enjoyable, I wanted it to be something that he was comfortable with and enjoyed. To achieve that result, I began by binding him and teasing him by doing things that aroused him… playing with his nipples, stroking his cock, tugging on his balls, spanking him, etc. When he was erect, squirming in pleasure, and completely focused on the pleasurable sensations I was giving him, I began stroking his rim with a gloved, well lubed finger, and slowly worked that finger into his ass. The entire time, I continued to do all those things I’d started with to arouse him. As I penetrated him, there was a lessening of his erection, so I kept the finger in his ass still, and focused more on increasing his arousal. I continued for quite some time, increasing the depth of penetration, and the fucking action, slowing or stopping only when his arousal decreased.

After several similar sessions, increasing the length and width of penetration, he showed the results I wanted – becoming erect and aroused at just the mention of strapon play. Of course, the entire time I was conditioning him, I was speaking to him in a low voice, repeatedly telling him how much I enjoyed his reaction, how aroused it made me to be penetrating his ass, how much I was going to enjoy fucking him, as well as describing to him in detail how his very visible arousal was affecting me and pleasing me.

I've found that the most effective method of conditioning is to use positive physical reinforcement along with repetitive verbal encouragement given in a low, soothing voice. This is especially effective if the submissive is in subspace, and made to repeat key phrases until his response to a certain stimulus becomes automatic. I've also used negative physical reinforcement, but have found that although it is effective in the short term, it tends not to produce a lasting result or to alter more base reactions. In some ways, the old adage "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" holds true. Conditioning that has a pleasure association rather than one of pain is more easily incorporated into new behaviors.

2007-07-27T17:08:00.000-04:00

Richard asked some key questions in a forum post that inspired me to reflect on my journey through BDSM and the challenges I've faced. I've written some about my first struggles with BDSM, and my sadism here. I don't think it needs re-hashing.

One of the questions that really inspired thought was this:

Do you ever fear it is a questionable addiction? Perhaps one day you will push too far or expect more than is wise?

When I was younger, BDSM really was an addiction. I used it as self-medication in much the way one would use drugs and alcohol, with the same results. It was more the sadism than the dominance, but I couldn't get past the craving to inflict pain. As with all addictions, it rapidly took over my life, causing me to put myself in situations that could have been very damaging to me, and to everyone around me. It also became more and more difficult to attain the level of bliss I needed to calm myself and stop the destructive behavior. The need for it grew, my tolerance level grew, and the amount of pain and fear I had to inflict to sate myself grew as well. As with many addictions, it took outside intervention to help me realize that what I had wasn’t what I really wanted or needed.

It has taken a lot of hard work, self-examination, healing of inner wounds, and time for me to be comfortable in my skin. Sadism and dominance is woven throughout my being. I can't separate the two, any more than I can just stop being one or the other, or both. Even the most sensual pleasure with a partner, for me, has some level of infliction of pain involved, either physical or psychological. On the extremely rare occasions that I've been the bottom, there is still pain, and I never truly slip out of my innate dominance. I'm not capable of a purely "vanilla" relationship, any more than a person who has been blind from birth is capable of accurately describing various shades of a color.

I do fear losing my balance, not in the sense of an addiction, or in that I will move into a state of a constant need for satiation of both my sensual and sadistic tendencies regardless of my health, sanity, or any sense of responsibility. I am very aware that I have the capacity to give in utterly to that inner beast, to become consumed by it, and to thoroughly enjoy the sensations of doing so. In times of stress, we tend to revert to the most basic of our wiring and components, and my basic pieces lack elements that are common to a majority of people. I do not regret inflicting intentional pain—I revel in it. I don't worry about how I am perceived by those around me. I'm not burdened by guilt, so modifying my behavior to avoid it never occurs to me. Empathy, sympathy, a sense of what is right and what is wrong… all of these are things that I have worked hard to learn about, to be able to experience, and they only work for me if I have balance in my life.

I fear that the iron discipline I employ when playing with someone that can't physically or emotionally handle my intensity will slip. I think that for a sadist such as myself, that particular fear is a very real one, with potential disastrous consequences. If I allow myself the luxury of slipping those controls, I could very seriously damage a playmate, and would find it sexually arousing and fulfilling to do so, instead of the "normal" reaction of guilt or remorse.

One of the reasons that my darker fantasies are so very dark to me isn't that they involve brutality and degradation on a scale that is beyond healthy play… it is because I know that I could make those fantasies a reality and not suffer the pangs of conscience or morality that others would. That is a line I am not willing to cross.

I've been asked over the years by family members and friends, and a few strangers, what it is that causes me to be both sadistic and dominant. I don't know. I don't have any deeply buried unresolved childhood traumas, no key tipping points in development. I'm just who I was as a child, with hopefully a bit more refinement, grace, and patience. I've always naturally been a leader instead of a follower, more dominant than the other kids, and have learned through experience to hone those things that make me strong and discard the things that leave me weak or exposed or vulnerable.

2007-06-28T15:13:00.000-04:00

Although I've had a distinct lack of playtime in the last few weeks, it's been for an excellent reason. My son is here visiting for the summer, and he's keeping me incredibly busy. In the meantime, I've had to find other ways to amuse myself. My very sweet slave helped by buying me a gift. I plan to thank him next time I see him by doing my best to drive the heels into his soft bits.

2007-05-26T02:24:00.000-04:00

this is what happens when you spend too much time websurfing...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fThrC7wQ7o

2007-05-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

With the help of my very sweet pet, I've been expanding my skill set a bit lately. I've always been a fan of bondage, but hadn't done a lot outside of some very basic positions and ties. My pet is very much a bondage slut, so I've gotten to be a bit more creative. I'm really enjoying finding ways to restrict not only his movement, but various parts of his body. The last time we played, I found myself wishing quite vocally that I had more rope... not something I've ever had very high on my list of toys to acquire! I also discovered a new appreciation for the hideously uncomfortable ladder-back dining room chairs I inherited when I moved into this house. They are perfect for tying a boy to... lots of bits of wood to attach cuffs and ropes and zip ties.

I rarely write details of my play, but I so enjoyed this last session that I keep turning it over in my mind, and expanding on the possibilities for more. I had him tightly bound to that chair, rope around his chest binding him to the tall back, rope around his thighs and calves, binding him to the seat of the chair, leather cuffs at his ankles bound to the legs of the chair, and his wrists cuffed behind his back. He had an inflatable vibrating plug filling his ass, a thick collar and gag and blindfold firmly in place. Deliciously helpless, but not bound tightly enough... I loved having him mobile enough to squirm like crazy while I tormented his nipples and cock and balls, having him gagged and moaning while I spanked the insides of his thighs, but very firmly attached to the chair, no way to follow me when I moved away to just watch him. I wanted him even more helpless, more restricted... I wonder at what point it'll be enough, when will he be helpless enough to soothe my needs, while still exposed enough to sate my desire to torment him?

That's the beauty part... I'll just have to wait and see... try new things, revisit some old favorites, and thoroughly enjoy every moment.

Sometimes, the Domme enjoys the prolonged tease as much as the submissive.

2007-04-20T01:42:00.000-04:00

I got some much-needed stress relief and a thorough spoiling from a very sweet pet this week. I'm debating adding "Queen of Duct Tape" as title.

It's amazing how much fun you can have with just a few dollars worth of supplies.

I already had a hard time thinking of cling film as anything other than a bondage tool, now I'll never again be able to stand in the tape section of Domme Depot without squirming.

2007-04-11T00:27:00.000-04:00

My mom passed away last week. I'm not quite sure yet how to handle it. The week has been a blur of arrangements, family, running here & there, and alternating between being numb, being relieved, being angry, and leaking from the eyes.

The worst part of somebody dying is that you have to keep living.

2007-03-14T18:33:00.000-04:00

Stress is a funny thing. I've got so much on my plate right now with work, and my mom's health issues, that there are times I feel like I'm going to disintegrate into a million tiny pieces. It's at times like this that I wonder how well I'm served by being built the way that I am. Prolonged stress pushes all of my drives through the roof. My usual response is just to shut down the drives and desires and focus only on the task at hand until I finally crash and burn. I've not done that this time though. I dove in and wallowed in my desires, finding ways outside of my norm to ease the pressure.

I was invited to join a new forum being run by Richard and Alexandra, kinksters I've got a huge amount of respect and admiration for. Fetish Lore is a place primarily focused on F/m DS relationships, but please leave the "One True Way" crap at the door. There's lots of discussion, friendly people, and good information there... plus I've participated more there than I ever have in comments or other discussion boards. If you want to learn about my kinks, that's the place to do it.

I've played with several very sweet (fairly) local submissives... and will continue to do so as I have time and focus. In addition, my masochistic boot boy traveled all the way from Florida to be my play toy and to spoil me rotten for a few days of much-needed relaxation. He doesn't get as much time or attention as either of us would like, but he always goes above and beyond the call, and has become a very close and trusted friend over the last few years. Thank you boy. Step up and take a bow if you stop by to read this.

All of this activity has kept my stress levels more manageable, and allowed me to focus on doing what I need to do, without becoming so consumed with it that I'm overwhelmed. Up until today.

We're putting mom into hospice. She's going downhill fast, and there's no way to pull her off that slope aside from divine intervention. If you pray, please do. She's in good spirits, but so very very tired, and in lots of pain. As for me, well, I think I've run out of tears and then they start all over again. That crash and burn wall is coming up way too fast.

2007-01-13T04:18:00.000-05:00

It's been a while since I've taken the time to post. It seems the last month has just flown by, what with the holidays and family visits and work. I'm really looking forward to this new year. I'm sure there will be challenges, but I'm also sure that this will be an exciting and rewarding year in my life. I'm not much for making resolutions for the new year. I think that if something is important, it'll become a part of your life at any time of year. Still, it's fun to look forward to what is to come, and to spend some time reflecting on what has passed. Even with all the struggles the past year has held, I'm more centered and content now than I've been in a very long time.

I've added some new things to my life in the last month or so, and discarded some of what was tying me to the past. It's a good feeling, well, all except for the road rash acquired on my first bike ride in years... the last time my ass was this sore was a very long time ago and for entirely different reasons! No. Not that. Perverts, every last one of you.

I've also added some new blogs to my list of "must read," and I encourage you to check them out.

2006-11-26T23:18:00.000-05:00

It was a beautiful Sunday afternoon in Florida. I'm really enjoying spending time with my son after not seeing him for 2 months. We headed out to our favorite beach and spent lots of time getting way too much sand in unmentionable places. Several sandcastles, a long walk, and an ice cream apiece later, we headed back home.

Photos clickable, and more on the flickr site.

The beginning of the day.

Playing in the surf.

Pesky bugger. We liked his polka-dot tail though.

This rock barely poked out of the water, and every so often a wave would break over the tip. Soothing to watch.

Time to pack it in and head home. We wished we could stay for sunset, but had other things to do, places to go, and people to see. Besides, that sand gets scratchy in the sensitive bits!

Hope everyone had a delightful weekend!

2006-11-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking of you a lot the last few days, more than usual. I do that at the oddest times… no rhyme or reason to it. Life can be going along swimmingly, or I can be fighting to keep my head above water, and I think of you and go a bit weak at the knees. I sometimes think that if I could just figure it out, I'd be able to cure what ails me, or at least find some sort of substitute. That's the frustrating part, knowing that there isn't a way to make it all smooth and easy.

I love you, you know… not the mushy gooey warm fuzzy on a cold night kind of love. The kind that settles deep in the center of your chest and re-arranges all the furniture. The kind that can turn your blood to molten metal in a breath, or ice over your veins until you've got frostbite. I used to think it'd fade over time but it hasn't. Instead it's just brought home strays, pushed the coffee table 6 inches to the left, and plumped the cushions on the recliner. I think I've become resigned to it, finally, and there's a working truce in effect. Most of the time it stays cozily where it belongs, and I go about my life without a thought of you. Other times, it's that irritating neighbor that comes over late, stays too long, and eats all the crisps. I can't function normally then, and I don't even try. The harder I try, the longer it takes to get those feelings settled back in that recliner, remote in hand.

I've been playing a lot more lately, looking for a boy to keep nearby to use regularly. You know all about that though, so it's no surprise. I think I've gotten much more selective in my old age. The checklist of compatibility in my youth consisted mainly of "does he have a pulse? is he breathing? does he look good naked and bent over?" Not so much any more. Now I want to know what his experience is, whether I can stand to have him around when I'm not whipping his exposed flesh, if I like the way he says "yes Ma'am," if his drive to please outweighs his fetishes. Fat, thin, muscular, tall, short, black, white, brown… all just packaging. I'm more interested in the other bits, and if it comes in a pretty package, it's just a bonus, like marshmallows in hot chocolate on a cold day. Good, but not necessary.

My desires and requirements seem to be evolving as well. As I get more settled and sure in my every day life, I'm more demanding in my BDSM life. They're getting mixed together as well. The two sides of my personality, the Domme and the woman, have been blending for a while now, and have gotten to the point that there isn't any separation between the two. I feel whole for the first time in my life, instead of vaguely schizophrenic around the edges. It's a good thing. I'm less sensual and more sadist, although I think there will always be a part of me that is very sensual. After all, it's a huge part of the way I see the world, using all my senses to capture the nuances of things. The sadist though, she adores being let out to play. The inner beast and I are best buddies it seems. A bit shocking. I didn't think I’d ever see the day.

I suppose I'll get it all figured out eventually. One does, I think. The more simply I live, the more content I am with my life, and the more all the whirling bits settle into place.

2006-11-24T00:35:00.000-05:00

#1 sign that the Thanksgiving meal was a hit:

The extremely finicky 6-year old looks at his 2nd helping and says "I want it Auntie, but it just won't fit in my belly."

Back to your scheduled turkey-induced coma...

2006-11-17T00:33:00.000-05:00

One of the things about living on a farm in Virginia is that lots of the older ones have several houses on them. As a result of this, I've incorporated a new phrase into my vocabulary... "the big house." Up at the big house is where the more challenging of the new adventures of Myles takes place. After all, that's where the power tools live!

2006-11-14T15:27:00.000-05:00

I finally took a little time to get out with the camera this morning. I was inspired by the flock of wild turkeys that came traipsing through the back yard looking for choice bits to eat. I thought my few remaining faithful readers might enjoy a look at my new surroundings.

Turkeys up close...

The back yard.

Out the office window... definitely distracting.

Horses... the lighter colored one is as old as I am... which is ancient in horse years. The darker one is the current project, also known as the knucklehead.

2006-10-17T00:01:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. The past few months have flown by in a blur of traveling, moving, remodeling, working to support my remodeling habit, and more traveling. Life has finally settled mostly into a routine, although I'm bracing for another busy stretch as my Mom is beginning a new round of yet another type of chemotherapy.

I don't think I've ached quite as much as I have since I moved here. The sheer volume of physical labor inherent in living on a farm was something I'd blissfully blocked from my memory. I spent most of the day Saturday cutting and splitting firewood... and managed to do enough to feed the woodstove for only about 3 weeks. I guess if I'm planning to stay even a little warm this winter I'd best plan to spend a day chopping and splitting every other week or so. I think I'm going to end up with killer biceps when all is said and done.

The list of things I now know how to do that I never wanted to learn continues to grow. Those who know me will be relieved to hear that the list does not yet include "use of chainsaw." I'm definitely chainsaw-impaired. I have visions of cutting off my foot, and all my family swears they suffer from cold chills at even the thought of me with a chainsaw.

On the other hand, I now know how to use a caulking gun... I've even managed to overcome the nearly unbearable urge to snort hysterically when using the word "caulk" in conversation. Don't ask. It was bad, really really bad. Nothing worse than having a mind that wallows in the gutter at the most inappropriate moments.

I may even get the last of the paint scrubbed out of my hair at some point between now and Christmas. Or at least I hope so. Cobalt blue, burnt sienna, and high-gloss white are not really the best look for me.

2006-07-01T08:41:00.000-04:00

Life Lesson #812.

One must supervise the packing abilities of 12-year old boys with the same attention to detail as when said boy was younger. Otherwise, the contents of the suitcase will involve:

11 pairs of socks
9 underwear
6 shorts
4 pants
a journal and assorted toiletries
gameboy and several games

and only 2 shirts... for a 3 week stay.

*sigh*

I hate shopping.

2006-06-22T06:49:00.000-04:00

I leave Friday morning, returning only to spend a weekend with my son before I head back to my new reality once again. This move is odd. It's the physically easiest move I've ever prepared for… if it doesn't fit in my car or my brother's truck, it doesn't go. It's the hardest move I've ever made emotionally. I'm leaving behind every-day parenting, my first love, and the time and fire-tested support system I rely on here.

The fisherman and I have been fighting every day since I got here, the kind of knock-down, drag out fighting that you can only do with someone you have loved for years. We know every single button the other person has, and punch as many of them at the same time as possible. We're like two kids in a sandbox fighting over the coolest toy. You know it's bad when your 12 year old son sits you both down and tells you to grow the fuck up. Yeah… bad.

Until this week. All week we've been fucking like we did when we first met. It's as though all the hurt and anger and unfulfilled promises have vanished into the haze along with the lingering traces of commitment we denied feeling. All that's left is that physical need that drew us together in the first place, 13 years ago.

I look at him, and absolutely must taste that soft spot in the hollow of his throat, must run my fingertips low across his belly, must cup his ass in my hands and pull him closer. He's just as bad. I can't move without feeling his fingers tighten on my skin, the slight shift in his weight as he adjusts to get pressed close against me.

We sleep in a tangle of limbs, hot skin sealed together, breath mingling, my hair tucked under him, my face pressed against his chest, arms and hands filled with warm flesh. There are no words. We've never needed any.

2006-06-05T13:52:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything for this blog, and while there's a part of me that regrets not having invested the time and energy into doing so, I think that trying to keep yet another ball in the air over the last few months would have sent everything crashing to the ground. I'm finally seeing the end of what has been a really difficult period in my life, and it's nice to feel peaceful about most things again. The most encouraging thing has been that during and as a result of all the chaos, the goals I'd laid out long ago are coming to fruition even faster than I'd anticipated in my wildest dreams.

A recap of my life since January:

Mom is battling cancer in her liver and her spine. She had radiation to her spine, and 3 months of chemo, only to find out that the cancer in her liver was not responding to the type of chemo she was getting. After a biopsy, and a re-evaluation of her case, she's been put on a combination of chemo drugs that are hopefully doing the job. We won't know if there's been progress until mid-June and a repeat CT scan, but she's feeling ok. She's also having some work done on her back to strengthen the weak places in her spine where the cancer damaged the bone.

This has been a very difficult time for the whole family. I'm not a super-religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do want to say that I've really appreciated all the prayers and good thoughts that have been directed our way. The worst part of the entire ordeal, aside from knowing what mom's been going through and how it feels, has been trying to come to terms with the fact that the type and location of her cancer tends to be a death sentence. Living as positively as possible is really the only way to cope, but there are times that it just gets to be too much. My mom is a far stronger person than I am, and I know that her faith is what has sustained her through some horrible periods. Who knew that when I was an unruly teen and a rebellious mid-twenties that I'd end up regarding my mom as my hero in my mid-thirties?

I've also made the decision to relocate permanently to the DC area. This has been a very difficult decision for me, because it means leaving my son here with his father. The fisherman and I have had some knock-down drag-out doozies the last few months, but we do agree that we have to do what is best and right for the boy, so he'll remain here with his family and friends and life and in the school he's enjoying. This is going to mean lots and lots of frequent flier miles for me, and a continuation of that achey spot in my heart that's gotten quite familiar in the last 6 months, but I know that the boy's dad and I have made the very best decision we can given the circumstances. Oddly enough, coming to terms in this area has really improved my relationship with the fisherman, so you never know. We've actually gotten to the point where we consider the other to be a friend again, not an enemy in a war where everyone is a casualty.

The business is going well, and with the exception of a few remaining rough spots, has expanded again to the point that we're considering doing a bit more hiring. The last few months has been a shocking time. When mom and I started, I had no idea what was involved in being a business owner. All that cotton fluff between my ears has been forced out and replaced with accounting methodology, business planning, and marketing ideas over the last few months. It's scary as hell to have to step up to the plate, especially a plate that was so far out of my comfort zone as to be unimaginable. My learning curve looks remarkably like Mt. Everest… It's been a good thing though… I have a lot more confidence and inherent business acumen than I realized. I guess juggling a home and family and work tends to be good preparation for running a business!

I'm currently in the midst of sorting and packing all the things I'll be taking with me when I move, as well as getting the tail-ends of my life here in order so I'm well prepared to start life elsewhere. I'd forgotten just how much was involved. I think I'm going to take notes this time, so if I'm ever tempted to move again I'll just look at the list of errands and decide that I like where I am.

I'm buying a house and acreage in Virginia, right in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountains. I'm excited at the possibilities, and the move back to the type of lifestyle that I grew up with. I've been a city kid for a long time now, and finally realize I'm just not properly equipped to deal with the stress of city living 24/7. I'll be close enough to DC that I can get there in a short time, and will spend a couple days a week there, but most of my time will be spent in the country.

There have also been some developments in the BDSM area of my life, but that's another post entirely. I'm sure when the dust settles, there'll be more raunch… but all in good time.

2006-03-31T12:03:00.000-05:00

I'm actually alive and kicking...

Life has been.... well.... complicated. I think that's the most accurate word. Between the responsibilties of business and caring for a sick parent, while still trying to maintain some sort of relationship with my child and the rest of my family, I've not written. I'm missing the writing. I've not even used my handy-dandy little travel journal. I don't make the time, and even if I did, I have no clue what to write that won't trigger a massive core dump of everything I've been thinking and feeling. At this point, I've got an iron grip on keeping it together. Any little chink in that and I'll fall completely apart.

Mid-chemo test results for mom came back yesterday, and the results are massively and decisively in the "not good" column. I don't know much more than that at this point, as we're waiting on a biopsy for some additional information. If you pray, please do.

I get around to visit folks about once a week or so. I still keep up with all of you even though I don't leave the comment love. Take care.

2006-01-21T22:22:00.000-05:00

Quick update:

We're in the "let the body heal" stage of the first chemo cycle, which basically means 1 down, 5 to go. Mom is coping much better than we'd hoped with the chemo, and is tooling around pretty good, although tomorrow is the day to shave off what is left of the hair. I'm hopeful that she'll come through this very well. Usually the second chemo cycle is the worst, so we've still got that to face.

The major issue right now is the fact that her senses are all "chemo senses" which means everything tastes and smells bizarre because chemo kills tastebuds and smell receptors. Just so you have an idea, flowers and any flower-smelling products... not allowed. Fruits and vegetables... banned.

Smoked salmon and stinky cheese? Oh hell yeah. And curry. lots and lots of curry, the spicier the better. And homemade tortillas as a carrier for it all.

This house smells like an El Salvadoran Indonesian Jewish restaurant. Bad. Tasty, but very very bad.