I leave Friday morning, returning only to spend a weekend with my son before I head back to my new reality once again. This move is odd. It's the physically easiest move I've ever prepared for… if it doesn't fit in my car or my brother's truck, it doesn't go. It's the hardest move I've ever made emotionally. I'm leaving behind every-day parenting, my first love, and the time and fire-tested support system I rely on here.

The fisherman and I have been fighting every day since I got here, the kind of knock-down, drag out fighting that you can only do with someone you have loved for years. We know every single button the other person has, and punch as many of them at the same time as possible. We're like two kids in a sandbox fighting over the coolest toy. You know it's bad when your 12 year old son sits you both down and tells you to grow the fuck up. Yeah… bad.

Until this week. All week we've been fucking like we did when we first met. It's as though all the hurt and anger and unfulfilled promises have vanished into the haze along with the lingering traces of commitment we denied feeling. All that's left is that physical need that drew us together in the first place, 13 years ago.

I look at him, and absolutely must taste that soft spot in the hollow of his throat, must run my fingertips low across his belly, must cup his ass in my hands and pull him closer. He's just as bad. I can't move without feeling his fingers tighten on my skin, the slight shift in his weight as he adjusts to get pressed close against me.

We sleep in a tangle of limbs, hot skin sealed together, breath mingling, my hair tucked under him, my face pressed against his chest, arms and hands filled with warm flesh. There are no words. We've never needed any.

It's been a long time since I've written anything for this blog, and while there's a part of me that regrets not having invested the time and energy into doing so, I think that trying to keep yet another ball in the air over the last few months would have sent everything crashing to the ground. I'm finally seeing the end of what has been a really difficult period in my life, and it's nice to feel peaceful about most things again. The most encouraging thing has been that during and as a result of all the chaos, the goals I'd laid out long ago are coming to fruition even faster than I'd anticipated in my wildest dreams.

A recap of my life since January:

Mom is battling cancer in her liver and her spine. She had radiation to her spine, and 3 months of chemo, only to find out that the cancer in her liver was not responding to the type of chemo she was getting. After a biopsy, and a re-evaluation of her case, she's been put on a combination of chemo drugs that are hopefully doing the job. We won't know if there's been progress until mid-June and a repeat CT scan, but she's feeling ok. She's also having some work done on her back to strengthen the weak places in her spine where the cancer damaged the bone.

This has been a very difficult time for the whole family. I'm not a super-religious person by any stretch of the imagination, but I do want to say that I've really appreciated all the prayers and good thoughts that have been directed our way. The worst part of the entire ordeal, aside from knowing what mom's been going through and how it feels, has been trying to come to terms with the fact that the type and location of her cancer tends to be a death sentence. Living as positively as possible is really the only way to cope, but there are times that it just gets to be too much. My mom is a far stronger person than I am, and I know that her faith is what has sustained her through some horrible periods. Who knew that when I was an unruly teen and a rebellious mid-twenties that I'd end up regarding my mom as my hero in my mid-thirties?

I've also made the decision to relocate permanently to the DC area. This has been a very difficult decision for me, because it means leaving my son here with his father. The fisherman and I have had some knock-down drag-out doozies the last few months, but we do agree that we have to do what is best and right for the boy, so he'll remain here with his family and friends and life and in the school he's enjoying. This is going to mean lots and lots of frequent flier miles for me, and a continuation of that achey spot in my heart that's gotten quite familiar in the last 6 months, but I know that the boy's dad and I have made the very best decision we can given the circumstances. Oddly enough, coming to terms in this area has really improved my relationship with the fisherman, so you never know. We've actually gotten to the point where we consider the other to be a friend again, not an enemy in a war where everyone is a casualty.

The business is going well, and with the exception of a few remaining rough spots, has expanded again to the point that we're considering doing a bit more hiring. The last few months has been a shocking time. When mom and I started, I had no idea what was involved in being a business owner. All that cotton fluff between my ears has been forced out and replaced with accounting methodology, business planning, and marketing ideas over the last few months. It's scary as hell to have to step up to the plate, especially a plate that was so far out of my comfort zone as to be unimaginable. My learning curve looks remarkably like Mt. Everest… It's been a good thing though… I have a lot more confidence and inherent business acumen than I realized. I guess juggling a home and family and work tends to be good preparation for running a business!

I'm currently in the midst of sorting and packing all the things I'll be taking with me when I move, as well as getting the tail-ends of my life here in order so I'm well prepared to start life elsewhere. I'd forgotten just how much was involved. I think I'm going to take notes this time, so if I'm ever tempted to move again I'll just look at the list of errands and decide that I like where I am.

I'm buying a house and acreage in Virginia, right in the foothills of the Blue Ridge mountains. I'm excited at the possibilities, and the move back to the type of lifestyle that I grew up with. I've been a city kid for a long time now, and finally realize I'm just not properly equipped to deal with the stress of city living 24/7. I'll be close enough to DC that I can get there in a short time, and will spend a couple days a week there, but most of my time will be spent in the country.

There have also been some developments in the BDSM area of my life, but that's another post entirely. I'm sure when the dust settles, there'll be more raunch… but all in good time.