A comment from my post regarding sexual vs. non-sexual domination has inspired a bit of further thought. In her comment, Samantha said:
For the purpose of this discussion, I’m going to speak only about dominants, as I don’t have the point of reference to truly provide a good picture of a submissive’s viewpoint.
This is something I’ve never really thought about, or consciously realized, but I do think is correct in many ways. However, I also think that at some level it has more to do with how men and women relate to others, and to themselves, than it has to do with D/s in general. Women tend to be much more expressive of their thoughts and feelings, and explore emotional needs to a greater degree than men do. I don’t think that this means that men don’t privately explore those things, just that women are more vocal (or type more, as the case may be) about it. With that said, there are, of course, exceptions. Many of the male dominants I know, especially those that are more creative, do tend to be more open with thoughts and feelings regarding sexual and emotional needs than the stereotypical dominant male.
Another factor that influences this impression is the overabundance of exposure to online “dominants.” While there are those online that are truly dominant, the vast majority are freaks looking for their particular fix. This has led to several stereotypical views that are not necessarily true in the real world. For example, a stereotypical dominant male treats every interaction as a competition to some degree. Between other males, it’s a macho pissing match to see who’s tougher, more “domly,” more aggressive… the better man. When you throw a sweet little subfem into the mix, the posturing rachets up another level. They circle, snarling and spitting, and the poor awed defenseless female is the spoil of war. This, of course, necessitates tossing said female around and doing all sorts of thrusting, name calling, and assertion of sexual rights. Great picture, right?
I’ve talked to several dominant male friends over the years, and we all get a good laugh about that stereotype. Sure, there are those out there that behave that way, but the majority are kind, caring, well-educated individuals that are genuinely concerned for the well-being of submissive that they are responsible for, and for the lifestyle which they choose to live. It’s not all about sex and posturing, it’s about working at a relationship that involves trust and honesty.
When one looks at the stereotypical female dominant, the impression is one of a sexless, cold-hearted, calculating bitch, concerned only with what she can get from some spineless little wimp of a male, preferably one that is a sissy to boot. There are catfights galore between these stereotypical females, with the focus being on finding and keeping the most submissive males with the biggest wallets or having a stable of doormats to step on at will. The rallying cry of this stereotype is “submission is not about sex!” That is utter crap.
I have yet to run across a true female dominant who actually feels this way. Yes, there are those who enjoy dressing a male up like a girl, yes there are those whose involvement is less sexually motivated and active than a male’s, but that is a function of female emotional make-up, not absence or presence of dominance.
Truly, I do have a point… follow me, if you will, as I drag us back to it. That point is this: all true dominants, both male and female, that live the D/s lifestyle in whatever way suits them best, go through a period of exploring both their emotional and sexual needs in relation to whichever aspect of BDSM they are drawn to. The entire process of exploring those needs is what makes each dominant what they are, and colors how they relate to the world at large, and to the submissive that yields to them. A person cannot inspire the trust and honesty necessary to a D/s relationship without digging deep enough to find the fuel that drives them. To do so without some form of self-knowledge, whether it is expressed to another or not, is to create a situation that inspires burn-out and resentment, and a lingering sense of needs unfilled.
Isn't it interesting that the women (Dommes and/or subs) seem to discuss and explore both the sexual and emotional needs involved with D/s. And the men (Dom and or subs) talk about mainly the sex acts.
For the purpose of this discussion, I’m going to speak only about dominants, as I don’t have the point of reference to truly provide a good picture of a submissive’s viewpoint.
This is something I’ve never really thought about, or consciously realized, but I do think is correct in many ways. However, I also think that at some level it has more to do with how men and women relate to others, and to themselves, than it has to do with D/s in general. Women tend to be much more expressive of their thoughts and feelings, and explore emotional needs to a greater degree than men do. I don’t think that this means that men don’t privately explore those things, just that women are more vocal (or type more, as the case may be) about it. With that said, there are, of course, exceptions. Many of the male dominants I know, especially those that are more creative, do tend to be more open with thoughts and feelings regarding sexual and emotional needs than the stereotypical dominant male.
Another factor that influences this impression is the overabundance of exposure to online “dominants.” While there are those online that are truly dominant, the vast majority are freaks looking for their particular fix. This has led to several stereotypical views that are not necessarily true in the real world. For example, a stereotypical dominant male treats every interaction as a competition to some degree. Between other males, it’s a macho pissing match to see who’s tougher, more “domly,” more aggressive… the better man. When you throw a sweet little subfem into the mix, the posturing rachets up another level. They circle, snarling and spitting, and the poor awed defenseless female is the spoil of war. This, of course, necessitates tossing said female around and doing all sorts of thrusting, name calling, and assertion of sexual rights. Great picture, right?
I’ve talked to several dominant male friends over the years, and we all get a good laugh about that stereotype. Sure, there are those out there that behave that way, but the majority are kind, caring, well-educated individuals that are genuinely concerned for the well-being of submissive that they are responsible for, and for the lifestyle which they choose to live. It’s not all about sex and posturing, it’s about working at a relationship that involves trust and honesty.
When one looks at the stereotypical female dominant, the impression is one of a sexless, cold-hearted, calculating bitch, concerned only with what she can get from some spineless little wimp of a male, preferably one that is a sissy to boot. There are catfights galore between these stereotypical females, with the focus being on finding and keeping the most submissive males with the biggest wallets or having a stable of doormats to step on at will. The rallying cry of this stereotype is “submission is not about sex!” That is utter crap.
I have yet to run across a true female dominant who actually feels this way. Yes, there are those who enjoy dressing a male up like a girl, yes there are those whose involvement is less sexually motivated and active than a male’s, but that is a function of female emotional make-up, not absence or presence of dominance.
Truly, I do have a point… follow me, if you will, as I drag us back to it. That point is this: all true dominants, both male and female, that live the D/s lifestyle in whatever way suits them best, go through a period of exploring both their emotional and sexual needs in relation to whichever aspect of BDSM they are drawn to. The entire process of exploring those needs is what makes each dominant what they are, and colors how they relate to the world at large, and to the submissive that yields to them. A person cannot inspire the trust and honesty necessary to a D/s relationship without digging deep enough to find the fuel that drives them. To do so without some form of self-knowledge, whether it is expressed to another or not, is to create a situation that inspires burn-out and resentment, and a lingering sense of needs unfilled.
<< Home