I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sexual domination vs. non-sexual domination. There is a lot written on the subject, and just about anyone in the lifestyle that you talk to has an opinion. I could go on for pages and pages about what sorts of physical acts are generally categorized as sexual or non-sexual when it comes to BDSM, but for each act I list I could give you an example how, where, when, why and with whom it didn’t fit the category. Keep in mind that this is my opinion.
In my mind, the real issue of sexual domination vs. non-sexual domination isn’t the act itself, but the dynamic involved. Over the course of much reading, research, question-asking, observation, and personal experience, I’ve formed the opinion that it really is the nature and character of the dominant that determines the sexuality of the scene. In my mind there are three basic types of dominants. I am not speaking of the posers or players here, nor about the online dominants (and yes, there are some out there that are genuine), but about those that are serious about the lifestyle. You’ll note that I haven’t included in this analysis pro-Dommes, switches, or kinky folk, because each of those are really a special sort in their own way. The beauty of alternative lifestyles, especially BDSM, is that there’s a little something for everyone.
The first, and I think rarest, type of dominant is one that is naturally so. Whatever combination of nature and nurture that was involved in this person’s upbringing has produced an individual that is dominant without having to work at it. This type of dominant may or may not become involved in the BDSM lifestyle. For them, it is simply who and how they are, regardless of life experience, and choices. This natural dominance is reflected in every facet of their lives, and is often taken for granted by them and the people around them. They may not even be aware of the effect they have on others. For this type of dominant, there is no clear line between sexual and non-sexual domination. For them, domination simply exists. It exudes from their personalities, and is a naturally occurring dynamic whether they are in a vanilla or alternative relationship.
The second type of dominant is one that has a personality that is naturally more dominant, but has experienced choices and challenges in life that have reinforced that aspect of their personality. Often, this person has, from fairly early on in life, dreams or feelings that don’t fit within the societal norms when it comes to sexuality. Many of them never explore the alternative lifestyle, but most often feel there is something missing from their lives. I think the majority, however, continue to search for that place where they “fit” and in finding it in BDSM either run screaming from the room, or embrace it fully. For this type of dominant, because the feelings have been wrapped up in their sexuality from a very early age, almost all domination is sexual domination. There may be a few instances where they don’t experience some sort of sexual thrill, but on a very base level, nearly all of the experience is rooted in sexuality.
The third type of dominant is one that really troubles me. This type has no natural tendency toward dominance, but has become such solely because of life experience and a desire to be in control. Many times, especially in the case of a female dominant, this is a result of long-standing or repeated abuse, and is a reaction to the feelings of helplessness engendered by that abuse. This type of dominant frightens me, simply because of the potential for harm to the submissive as a result of the dominant recalling a painful memory or some other psychological trigger and losing control of their actions. I am nearly convinced that 98% of all domination from this type of dominant is non-sexual regardless of the inclusion of sexual acts. For this type of dominant, it’s all about control and power and getting even, not about mutual enjoyment of a scene.
Now, with all of that said, the reason sexual domination vs. non-sexual domination has been on my mind so much of late is a discussion I had with a friend regarding where I stand on the issue. I fall into the second category of dominant. I had natural tendencies as a child (much to my parents’ frustration) and through the course of my life made choices that reinforced that tendency and consequent behaviors. I also grew up in a society that still had very “1950’s” attitudes about traditional male/female roles, and fought like hell to be allowed to do those “male” things I so enjoyed. As a consequence of that, and a few other things I won’t go into here, every one of my life experiences reinforced my dominant tendencies. I know for sure I’m not of the first category, because very rarely I will encounter a naturally dominant male, and succumb. (It’s only happened twice boys, so don’t get your hopes up… *winks*)
Anyway… for me, every aspect of domination, with the exception of straight punishment to correct a behavior, is sexual. I don’t care if the entire scene involves a blindfolded, bound male cleaning grout with a q-tip wedged between his front teeth—I’m affected sexually. It is the exchange of power, the vibe that flows between me and the submissive, the energy of the scene that affects me. I can’t separate my sexuality from what I do as a dominant, any more than I could stop breathing. I’ve been this way since I was very young, and even with vanilla partners, any situation that involved the exchange of power or role reversal was arousing to me, even something as simple as female on top during sex vs. the missionary position. One gets me going on every level… the other is pleasant but I wouldn’t go out of my way for it. I’ll leave you to guess which is which.
In my mind, the real issue of sexual domination vs. non-sexual domination isn’t the act itself, but the dynamic involved. Over the course of much reading, research, question-asking, observation, and personal experience, I’ve formed the opinion that it really is the nature and character of the dominant that determines the sexuality of the scene. In my mind there are three basic types of dominants. I am not speaking of the posers or players here, nor about the online dominants (and yes, there are some out there that are genuine), but about those that are serious about the lifestyle. You’ll note that I haven’t included in this analysis pro-Dommes, switches, or kinky folk, because each of those are really a special sort in their own way. The beauty of alternative lifestyles, especially BDSM, is that there’s a little something for everyone.
The first, and I think rarest, type of dominant is one that is naturally so. Whatever combination of nature and nurture that was involved in this person’s upbringing has produced an individual that is dominant without having to work at it. This type of dominant may or may not become involved in the BDSM lifestyle. For them, it is simply who and how they are, regardless of life experience, and choices. This natural dominance is reflected in every facet of their lives, and is often taken for granted by them and the people around them. They may not even be aware of the effect they have on others. For this type of dominant, there is no clear line between sexual and non-sexual domination. For them, domination simply exists. It exudes from their personalities, and is a naturally occurring dynamic whether they are in a vanilla or alternative relationship.
The second type of dominant is one that has a personality that is naturally more dominant, but has experienced choices and challenges in life that have reinforced that aspect of their personality. Often, this person has, from fairly early on in life, dreams or feelings that don’t fit within the societal norms when it comes to sexuality. Many of them never explore the alternative lifestyle, but most often feel there is something missing from their lives. I think the majority, however, continue to search for that place where they “fit” and in finding it in BDSM either run screaming from the room, or embrace it fully. For this type of dominant, because the feelings have been wrapped up in their sexuality from a very early age, almost all domination is sexual domination. There may be a few instances where they don’t experience some sort of sexual thrill, but on a very base level, nearly all of the experience is rooted in sexuality.
The third type of dominant is one that really troubles me. This type has no natural tendency toward dominance, but has become such solely because of life experience and a desire to be in control. Many times, especially in the case of a female dominant, this is a result of long-standing or repeated abuse, and is a reaction to the feelings of helplessness engendered by that abuse. This type of dominant frightens me, simply because of the potential for harm to the submissive as a result of the dominant recalling a painful memory or some other psychological trigger and losing control of their actions. I am nearly convinced that 98% of all domination from this type of dominant is non-sexual regardless of the inclusion of sexual acts. For this type of dominant, it’s all about control and power and getting even, not about mutual enjoyment of a scene.
Now, with all of that said, the reason sexual domination vs. non-sexual domination has been on my mind so much of late is a discussion I had with a friend regarding where I stand on the issue. I fall into the second category of dominant. I had natural tendencies as a child (much to my parents’ frustration) and through the course of my life made choices that reinforced that tendency and consequent behaviors. I also grew up in a society that still had very “1950’s” attitudes about traditional male/female roles, and fought like hell to be allowed to do those “male” things I so enjoyed. As a consequence of that, and a few other things I won’t go into here, every one of my life experiences reinforced my dominant tendencies. I know for sure I’m not of the first category, because very rarely I will encounter a naturally dominant male, and succumb. (It’s only happened twice boys, so don’t get your hopes up… *winks*)
Anyway… for me, every aspect of domination, with the exception of straight punishment to correct a behavior, is sexual. I don’t care if the entire scene involves a blindfolded, bound male cleaning grout with a q-tip wedged between his front teeth—I’m affected sexually. It is the exchange of power, the vibe that flows between me and the submissive, the energy of the scene that affects me. I can’t separate my sexuality from what I do as a dominant, any more than I could stop breathing. I’ve been this way since I was very young, and even with vanilla partners, any situation that involved the exchange of power or role reversal was arousing to me, even something as simple as female on top during sex vs. the missionary position. One gets me going on every level… the other is pleasant but I wouldn’t go out of my way for it. I’ll leave you to guess which is which.
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