I've lost a very dear friend this week. He was a good man... complex, intelligent, witty, and passionately interested in life. I had the privilege of spending a lot of time with him, most recently a couple weeks not long ago, and enjoyed it very much. We met by chance... we belonged to the same online group, and he took the risk of contacting me. That started a conversation that continued both online and off for many years. He could be infuriating, opinionated, and loud, but he was always caring and considerate, a loyal friend, a shoulder to lean on, and an inspiration to me. He was many things to me, but most importantly, he was always someone I could trust.

Farewell, dear one. I'll miss you. I hope you are reunited with your beloved, and that you're out there somewhere watching me be all those things you encouraged me to be.

So I've gone a little nuts this past month... the adorably sweet submissive that I've been seeing regularly since late in the winter has gone on an extended vacation to the far reaches of the globe. I'm happy for him, but a bit put out as well, since he meshes well with my play style and schedule and I've gotten spoiled having him around. Plus he's just, well, adorable.

That's all well and good; the craziness comes in with the whole round of searching and trying out new submissives to torment while my boy is gone. My already high standards have become higher, and my selection pool has narrowed as a result. Not that I'm complaining, mind you... I've been fortunate to find several stellar boys to play with here and there, and even a couple I'm considering keeping. I remember now why I decided to just have one regular submissive though. The scheduling is insane!

It always amazes me the sorts of things some men think are attractive to a dominant woman. There are submissive males that do really get it... that by courting a dominant much like they'd court a vanilla woman (albeit with the addition of kink) is an effective way to get some of their dreams and fantasies fulfilled. Then there are others... the ones that absolutely don't get the concept that a dominant is just a human that happens to enjoy activities that are outside the realm of "normal" interaction.

I got a stunning example of the latter as a comment on this blog. I considered deleting it, but it just amused me way too much. I don't even begin to take approaches like this one seriously. He's at least fairly articulate, which leads me to believe that reformation is possible.

I would love to be your male slave suffering through all the kinky pain & gore as your collared & leashed slave to be made to dress as a girl licking you allover & being paddled up the ass & shaved where ever you wish to be sexually humiliated & experimented on. Will I be made to stay naked & be kidnapped to do whatever your bidding is & to get raped, whipped & have kinky sex as a Male prostitute in bdsm sex & bondage?

My response? I appreciate your desire to be a slave; however, to actually fulfill your desires, I would suggest getting to know a dominant as a person, then exploring your desires together, finding ways in which you are compatible, and compromising on those things that don't quite mesh. If you focus on how you might please and serve, rather than on how your fetishes might be fulfilled, it's quite likely that you'll find someone who will enjoy the things that you do.

I took the opportunity to play with a very sweet masochist the other day, and had a fabulous time doing so. Much fun was had, although he didn't scream once. I'll have to try harder next time.

I'm cursed with the ability to only find masochists that don't mark easily it seems. So frustrating. I'll either have to widen my net, or hit harder. Somehow, both prospects sound equally enticing.

I originally posted this piece on conditioning here, but thought it’d do well on the blog too.

Note: If you decide to try conditioning, I urge you to think it through, as it may possibly have ramifications in other areas of the submissive’s life, especially if you train him to show a specific behavior associated with a certain word or phrase. Also, if it is a play partner, rather than a longer-term relationship, be aware that this sort of conditioning can very much deepen the bond that the submissive feels toward you. I am by no means the authority in this area. I am simply describing my experience. Take it at face value. Your experience and results may differ.

I employ various forms of conditioning with both my submissive and my slave, and very much enjoy it. It's something I started doing very early on in my explorations into BDSM, and have refined and continued as I've gone on. I'll probably offend someone with this analogy, but in order to explain what I do and how I do it, you need a peek into how my head works.

From a very young age, I did a lot of work with animals, especially horses and dogs. I found that the best way to effectively train new behaviors was to be calm, confident, quietly dominant, and patient. It requires a lot of repetition, and reward of small progress, as well as quick appropriate discouragement of undesirable behaviors. It also requires a very focused attention to small details such as body language, changes in breathing, pupil size, skin temperature, and vocalizations. When I began to get more into actually training submissive males, not simply playing with them, I found that I got the best results if I used the same techniques I'd used to train animals.

One technique I routinely employ to condition a submissive to enjoy something I like that he may originally find distasteful or uncomfortable is to do the activity that I want to encourage him to enjoy in conjunction with something I know that arouses him and causes the same reaction that I want to condition him to display.

For example, I had a submissive that would tolerate strapon play only because it was something I enjoy doing. Although "forced" anal play is enjoyable, I wanted it to be something that he was comfortable with and enjoyed. To achieve that result, I began by binding him and teasing him by doing things that aroused him… playing with his nipples, stroking his cock, tugging on his balls, spanking him, etc. When he was erect, squirming in pleasure, and completely focused on the pleasurable sensations I was giving him, I began stroking his rim with a gloved, well lubed finger, and slowly worked that finger into his ass. The entire time, I continued to do all those things I’d started with to arouse him. As I penetrated him, there was a lessening of his erection, so I kept the finger in his ass still, and focused more on increasing his arousal. I continued for quite some time, increasing the depth of penetration, and the fucking action, slowing or stopping only when his arousal decreased.

After several similar sessions, increasing the length and width of penetration, he showed the results I wanted – becoming erect and aroused at just the mention of strapon play. Of course, the entire time I was conditioning him, I was speaking to him in a low voice, repeatedly telling him how much I enjoyed his reaction, how aroused it made me to be penetrating his ass, how much I was going to enjoy fucking him, as well as describing to him in detail how his very visible arousal was affecting me and pleasing me.

I've found that the most effective method of conditioning is to use positive physical reinforcement along with repetitive verbal encouragement given in a low, soothing voice. This is especially effective if the submissive is in subspace, and made to repeat key phrases until his response to a certain stimulus becomes automatic. I've also used negative physical reinforcement, but have found that although it is effective in the short term, it tends not to produce a lasting result or to alter more base reactions. In some ways, the old adage "you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" holds true. Conditioning that has a pleasure association rather than one of pain is more easily incorporated into new behaviors.

Richard asked some key questions in a forum post that inspired me to reflect on my journey through BDSM and the challenges I've faced. I've written some about my first struggles with BDSM, and my sadism here. I don't think it needs re-hashing.

One of the questions that really inspired thought was this:

Do you ever fear it is a questionable addiction? Perhaps one day you will push too far or expect more than is wise?

When I was younger, BDSM really was an addiction. I used it as self-medication in much the way one would use drugs and alcohol, with the same results. It was more the sadism than the dominance, but I couldn't get past the craving to inflict pain. As with all addictions, it rapidly took over my life, causing me to put myself in situations that could have been very damaging to me, and to everyone around me. It also became more and more difficult to attain the level of bliss I needed to calm myself and stop the destructive behavior. The need for it grew, my tolerance level grew, and the amount of pain and fear I had to inflict to sate myself grew as well. As with many addictions, it took outside intervention to help me realize that what I had wasn’t what I really wanted or needed.

It has taken a lot of hard work, self-examination, healing of inner wounds, and time for me to be comfortable in my skin. Sadism and dominance is woven throughout my being. I can't separate the two, any more than I can just stop being one or the other, or both. Even the most sensual pleasure with a partner, for me, has some level of infliction of pain involved, either physical or psychological. On the extremely rare occasions that I've been the bottom, there is still pain, and I never truly slip out of my innate dominance. I'm not capable of a purely "vanilla" relationship, any more than a person who has been blind from birth is capable of accurately describing various shades of a color.

I do fear losing my balance, not in the sense of an addiction, or in that I will move into a state of a constant need for satiation of both my sensual and sadistic tendencies regardless of my health, sanity, or any sense of responsibility. I am very aware that I have the capacity to give in utterly to that inner beast, to become consumed by it, and to thoroughly enjoy the sensations of doing so. In times of stress, we tend to revert to the most basic of our wiring and components, and my basic pieces lack elements that are common to a majority of people. I do not regret inflicting intentional pain—I revel in it. I don't worry about how I am perceived by those around me. I'm not burdened by guilt, so modifying my behavior to avoid it never occurs to me. Empathy, sympathy, a sense of what is right and what is wrong… all of these are things that I have worked hard to learn about, to be able to experience, and they only work for me if I have balance in my life.

I fear that the iron discipline I employ when playing with someone that can't physically or emotionally handle my intensity will slip. I think that for a sadist such as myself, that particular fear is a very real one, with potential disastrous consequences. If I allow myself the luxury of slipping those controls, I could very seriously damage a playmate, and would find it sexually arousing and fulfilling to do so, instead of the "normal" reaction of guilt or remorse.

One of the reasons that my darker fantasies are so very dark to me isn't that they involve brutality and degradation on a scale that is beyond healthy play… it is because I know that I could make those fantasies a reality and not suffer the pangs of conscience or morality that others would. That is a line I am not willing to cross.

I've been asked over the years by family members and friends, and a few strangers, what it is that causes me to be both sadistic and dominant. I don't know. I don't have any deeply buried unresolved childhood traumas, no key tipping points in development. I'm just who I was as a child, with hopefully a bit more refinement, grace, and patience. I've always naturally been a leader instead of a follower, more dominant than the other kids, and have learned through experience to hone those things that make me strong and discard the things that leave me weak or exposed or vulnerable.

Although I've had a distinct lack of playtime in the last few weeks, it's been for an excellent reason. My son is here visiting for the summer, and he's keeping me incredibly busy. In the meantime, I've had to find other ways to amuse myself. My very sweet slave helped by buying me a gift. I plan to thank him next time I see him by doing my best to drive the heels into his soft bits.